Psalm 103:2-5 Bless the Lord, O my soul, and do not forget all his benefits--who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the Pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good as long as you live so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Today has been a productive day, shockingly enough. I got a lot done with the house and unpacking,going through boxes and clothes and actually trying to get over my hoarding of things. Funny how we save stuff, keep things when in the back of our minds we know we wont use them again,but then maybe we will, but seem to never. Then it stacks up,piles up, storage units start getting more and more Rubbermaid and BOOM... you have way to much stuff, and don't need it.
I feel like I got about 6 big boxes sorted out along with organizing my closet at the new house.
While dealing with unpacking,moving in, a new city,town,the rain (I use to love the rain and now its so depressing) I find my mind wandering to AZ and my family and friends. I  miss it, I miss there. I know I am starting over, the kids are happy here, they get to see their father and grandmother, and I...I am to heal here. Away from the past, the drama, and the past year that lead me here.
People might say or think that there are worst situations that people are dealing with, I should be grateful for the life I have/had and I should not be so depressed. BUT, I think and have to close my eye with a tear, those that judge or think they know me or my life, have not walked a mile in my high heels. And if anyone put on my heels, I don't think they could take 2 steps before kicking them off and running far away.
I wake up sad, I wake up depressed, I wonder my meaning and purpose here in life, I wish my mind would stop racing. I am in pain. Mental,Physical,Emotional and I can only take 1 day at a time and pray that the next is better then the one before.
I go to doctors, I take classes, I will actually write that I just got out of rehab 2 weeks ago, and still with all I learned, and the steps I have taken to get there and get through the time away from the kids and the world, I find myself alone, sad,and feeling crappy for myself and my choices. Why cant I let it go? Why cant I move forward and forgive myself? I wish I knew.
I will write more when I feel more comfortable about this past year that has changed me, since I refer to it. I will post pics of the good and the bad, the fun and the sad. I will try to open up as much as my heart and mind will allow me to,but with the assumption that there is no judgement, and we all have bad days, weeks,months LOL.
My heart aches. for the past, and the present, the love and the lost. I can only take a day at a time. Go to my group and outpatient classes, and hopefully, I will see that light at the end of the tunnel. For now its dark, and I don't have someone walking with me. I am having to do it alone, and that is fine, but lonely. If that makes sense.
I pray God heal my mind, comforts my soul, and lets me see the world like I use to, I would do anything to have my old eyes on life back. For now, its a fog,a haze, and memories come and go.
It is all a process I am told, and time will tell, time will heal,time will let me forgive,forget,or move on instead of lingering in what could have been.

Proverbs 4:20-22

My child, be attentive to my words; incline your ear to my sayings. Do not let them escape from your sight; keep them within your heart. For they are life to those who find them, and healing to all their flesh.

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Sunday night and all is slowing down in the house. The 2 lil ones are fast asleep and the 2 older ones are all tucked in.
I still get shivers down my back and in my heart when I walk out their rooms or see them leave for school. Time seems to have crept up when I wA in LA LA Land and poof... My 4 aren't babies they are little people in this crazy society.
This weekend we went to the Saturday open Eugene hippy market. (a sight for all too see from home made goods,crafts,drugs(weed),music dancing and hippies all around). I think I've learned more about "real people" outside the bubble in the past 4 months then in 32yr of life.
We rented Hugo and Tintin 2 great movies,had a amazing roast for Sunday dinner,and a Friday night "date" with Jon picking me up for a movie. The Vow. So good, sad, eye opener that at any minute we could lose our precious memories that hold our loved ones tight in out mind.
I told Jon my "new thing" will be a photo booth picture of us each time we go on a date that has a booth or a movie theatre that seems to always have a photo booth.
I though for a separated couple, close friends only, this picture was cute...I had to share it. Lol.
Sweet dreams,hold the ones you love tight,and remember the ones we lost in 1 form or another in life tonight... Heal leah that's my goal this week. Xo