Every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature into his pictures.~Henry Ward Beecher

Last weekend Jon had a reserve job and had to be in Portland. I decided to go with him and enjoy the city with the kids and meeting up with a dear friend Tristan.
We enjoyed the heated indoor pool and spa, downtown life,the military base the kids loved and spent hours climbing all the tanks used in past wars.
We met up with my friend and decided we didn't have time for the zoo as its huge and has to get back for dinner at Gwen's,Jon'a older sister.
We all agreed on painting pottery which is a plus for kids and adults. Bowls,plates,handprints,paint in hair and face, with a lot of laughs and smiles lead to a perfect day in Portland.
Here are the few pictures I took!
Hugs. Leah

Sunday markets in Eugene are full of things,odds and ins and people you never knew you would meet or needed!

Today we all got up and headed to Eugene's famous Piccadilly Sunday markets that takes place 2 times a month.
Goodness- the pack rat hoarder that I am has to resist everything and anything there! So many antiques.dolls,books,gems,beads,clothes..pretty much it's a upscale yard sale under the fairground building. Tables and tables or antiques,odd and ins and wow you are over whelmed with what is neat and what you really need.
Saturday markets here are different. They are booths outside with people that hand make things. This was different. A sight to see. Isles and isle of STUFF!
It was a good outing for the kids with lunch after and play time in the yard. As the sun sets I must give the Lord thanks for my 4 wonderful children,focus on healing,and knowing that things/life happens for a reason. We learn live by the choices we make good or bad and need to move on. In my case it's a snail move but we are doing it slowly.
Xoxo leah

A happy day is when I wake up and have a smile on my face before my feet hit the floor.

I feel today is a new fresh start today. A few people have entered my life and will always have a impression that will last forever. I met a man Tristan in Portland. He has so much energy love for life and my problems are such crap compared to his. When I'm down,he is there,when I need a pep talk or direction,he is there. I appreciate his a lot. I feel today will b a good day.
Thank you joy for your comments. I downloaded the books and will start reading later. I miss our friendship and next time in AZ I'll stop by. Love u and kids. We miss our life but know God put us here and through so much for a reason and to learn. Xoxo

Psalm 103:2-5 Bless the Lord, O my soul, and do not forget all his benefits--who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the Pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good as long as you live so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Today has been a productive day, shockingly enough. I got a lot done with the house and unpacking,going through boxes and clothes and actually trying to get over my hoarding of things. Funny how we save stuff, keep things when in the back of our minds we know we wont use them again,but then maybe we will, but seem to never. Then it stacks up,piles up, storage units start getting more and more Rubbermaid and BOOM... you have way to much stuff, and don't need it.
I feel like I got about 6 big boxes sorted out along with organizing my closet at the new house.
While dealing with unpacking,moving in, a new city,town,the rain (I use to love the rain and now its so depressing) I find my mind wandering to AZ and my family and friends. I  miss it, I miss there. I know I am starting over, the kids are happy here, they get to see their father and grandmother, and I...I am to heal here. Away from the past, the drama, and the past year that lead me here.
People might say or think that there are worst situations that people are dealing with, I should be grateful for the life I have/had and I should not be so depressed. BUT, I think and have to close my eye with a tear, those that judge or think they know me or my life, have not walked a mile in my high heels. And if anyone put on my heels, I don't think they could take 2 steps before kicking them off and running far away.
I wake up sad, I wake up depressed, I wonder my meaning and purpose here in life, I wish my mind would stop racing. I am in pain. Mental,Physical,Emotional and I can only take 1 day at a time and pray that the next is better then the one before.
I go to doctors, I take classes, I will actually write that I just got out of rehab 2 weeks ago, and still with all I learned, and the steps I have taken to get there and get through the time away from the kids and the world, I find myself alone, sad,and feeling crappy for myself and my choices. Why cant I let it go? Why cant I move forward and forgive myself? I wish I knew.
I will write more when I feel more comfortable about this past year that has changed me, since I refer to it. I will post pics of the good and the bad, the fun and the sad. I will try to open up as much as my heart and mind will allow me to,but with the assumption that there is no judgement, and we all have bad days, weeks,months LOL.
My heart aches. for the past, and the present, the love and the lost. I can only take a day at a time. Go to my group and outpatient classes, and hopefully, I will see that light at the end of the tunnel. For now its dark, and I don't have someone walking with me. I am having to do it alone, and that is fine, but lonely. If that makes sense.
I pray God heal my mind, comforts my soul, and lets me see the world like I use to, I would do anything to have my old eyes on life back. For now, its a fog,a haze, and memories come and go.
It is all a process I am told, and time will tell, time will heal,time will let me forgive,forget,or move on instead of lingering in what could have been.

Proverbs 4:20-22

My child, be attentive to my words; incline your ear to my sayings. Do not let them escape from your sight; keep them within your heart. For they are life to those who find them, and healing to all their flesh.

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Sunday night and all is slowing down in the house. The 2 lil ones are fast asleep and the 2 older ones are all tucked in.
I still get shivers down my back and in my heart when I walk out their rooms or see them leave for school. Time seems to have crept up when I wA in LA LA Land and poof... My 4 aren't babies they are little people in this crazy society.
This weekend we went to the Saturday open Eugene hippy market. (a sight for all too see from home made goods,crafts,drugs(weed),music dancing and hippies all around). I think I've learned more about "real people" outside the bubble in the past 4 months then in 32yr of life.
We rented Hugo and Tintin 2 great movies,had a amazing roast for Sunday dinner,and a Friday night "date" with Jon picking me up for a movie. The Vow. So good, sad, eye opener that at any minute we could lose our precious memories that hold our loved ones tight in out mind.
I told Jon my "new thing" will be a photo booth picture of us each time we go on a date that has a booth or a movie theatre that seems to always have a photo booth.
I though for a separated couple, close friends only, this picture was cute...I had to share it. Lol.
Sweet dreams,hold the ones you love tight,and remember the ones we lost in 1 form or another in life tonight... Heal leah that's my goal this week. Xo

I used to think there was light at the end of the tunnel, but for me today the light is on a locomotive headed right for me. (Quote by - Source Unknown)

What a long month, and it's not even half over.
Oregon has been good for the kids and I. The weather is cloudy,rainy,gets a little depressing but overall we really like it. Oregon is so much more clean and refreshing then Arizona.
Eugene is slow paced and everyone is very cumbersome.
I have always wished my mind worked like the people in my town. They go with the flow,at their own pace,time and deadlines mean nothing and IT WORKS!
The stress and worries that I have lives with my whole life; people here would not know what the busy city life,hustle and daily problems that are easily created and handed to you in AZ.
Do we create these dramas and extra stress upon ourselves?
Do we surround ourselves with others that weigh their issues on us creating our minds to want to fix them before ourselves,and all the problems in the world and our lives?
I sometimes have to wonder to myself; "am I actually crazy,insane or did I hit the nail on the head with people in society and how we handle the situations that God and Life hand us?" They all seem to change hourly huh? My life has done a 180 from last year. I am so so so NOT even close to the wife,friend,mother I was a year ago. Good? Bad? I guess these questions and more hopefully will revile and answer themselves for me.
When it's all said and done,I'll be honest, I'M LOST!
I'm lost with life, happiness, direction,love,and sad enough with the Lord :(
I'm praying maybe my open talking (rambling) and blog posts let's the confusion and cloudiness that fills my mind,heart and head let me express my feelings and maybe it help me heal. This year is about healing. The past year I went through HELL. Literally everything you can possible think could go wrong,happen,or not happen DID. I sometimes have to sit and cry at night under the stars and ask the Lord "why?" why me? Why all this? I understand trials and tribulations. I understand bad things happen to us and we move forward,learn and push on. I had so many numerous bad horrible things hit my life last year I couldn't even begin to explain. I learned but now have PTSD and lost everything. I lost love,my home,friends,sad to say my family and their trust, and I lost myself,I lost Leah. Now,I am trying to heal,not forget the past year but learn from it and hopefully get answers when it's all said and done.
I end this post with this: years ago I started this blog to track life and adoption,I still have A LOT going on with the 4 kids,but- besides posting about all that; I need to vent and post about this year and what is going on with and in my life now. My doctors think it will be therapeutic for me and educational for anyone that stumbles upon my blog.
I miss life,I miss smiling and wanting to be the mom and person I am to be. I am now having to start fresh and find myself on my journey to heal and survive.

She goes from one addiction to another. All are ways for her to not feel her feelings.~Ellen Burstyn

Where does tonight start? I feel like starting from the beginning but pause and want to start from now.. But this past year and a half has lead us here.
Awh- the mind after midnight.
I made a jump, a leap a step forward but back in the past in a few ways. I left Arizona. The kids and I decided to come and move back to where 1998 all started.. Oregon.
We have been back since January when their father Jon, returned from his tour in Afghanistan.
Since January a lot has changed and happened, I was going to change the blog title because my life is nothing couture, but then again who's is? And Its what makes my life is what is couture and that's friends and family.
The kids are doing amazing. I must post a video of Bryce laughing singing the ABC song with the ending chores included. Makenzie is back is ballet at the Academy and both Logan and Makenzie do this weird zen hippy karate class 2 nights a week, topping off her in choir(she sings deep and sounds like Addele. I will video if I can get around to that. Now the fun of just finding a home we love and now waiting for the moving trucks with our household cramped inside to unload. All next Friday yippy!! And hoping aunt Shawna sends Lady the dog this week we miss her dearly.
The 2 lil ones go to preschool and make the cutest paintings pictures and V-day bags were a hoot.
Hard to imagine how big they have gotten and Aslynn speaks like she is 20! Cracks me up.
Miss the boards, miss blogging and blogger friends, most of all I miss Ethiopia. The simplicity of life,friends,and family. I can't wait to go back, soon? Who knows what this year holds for me.
May God Always Walk Beside Me Through Life's Journeys even if they have turmoil with my trials and tribulations. In the end I'll see the "reason".

• When marriage has reached a crisis point, and one spouse has either moved out or is living in a separate room but the other wants desperately to save the marriage...so what happen to my marriage?I still ask myself,wonder,wish I knew the answer:(

I lay here as the sun goes down and with the laughter,loud talking of Aslynn's overpowering personality (wonder where she gets that from lol), asking Makenzie if she is a "princess", Logan playing Anger Birds(I don't understand that game,and I think it's a addiction problem,but a plus for me to as something to take away for behavior :) And of course my lil man Bryce saying "cracker,cracker" while snugged next to me as we snack and attempt to blog from my iPhone!

I will admit,confess,breakdown in tears most of the time at a drop of a time thinking of this past year.
How did it happen? Begin? And why, I wish I truly knew the answers, and maybe overtime I will answer my own questions that eat me daily.

I think meeting Jon at 18,leaving Arizona a few weeks later (yes crazy,no my 2 girls won't follow my high heels)
And trying to leave the bubble/snow globe that my large family created to protect me my whole life,was a rebellious act on my part. Soon to follow,marrying Jon a few months after my 19th birthday.
I will scream out loud NOW..no regrets! Everything I have gone through,dealt with,lived through,etc. Has made me who I am today. I am not the cookie cutter image on a magazine as a lot hope,wish,assume. I have the same problems,battles,issues as anyone else. Promise :)

Leaving my glass slippers (if you know me and my family) at the Arizona border changed my life good and I would use the word bad but let's say it taught me a lot.

I don't know if I ever blogged in the past about how I met Jon, where we went and how 13 years later,4 kids, 3 deployments,file for divorce, he is still my best friend. Despite all the ups and downs; he knows me, I know him inside and out.

After filing for divorce Jon decided to go back into the Army to finish his officer career and "escape" the drama. Don't we all wish we can pick up and just GO? Lol

I was home, alone-even with over 50 family members within a 5 mile ratios., I felt and still feel like a outcast. Nobody stopped by to see how the kids and I were, nobody called, I lost every single friend(atleast they posed as friends,some for 5 yrs some 15). The stigmatism that one gets when you separate from your spouse is a hard pill to swallow :(. You learn who is real,who is family, and judgement along with criticism starts.

I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy the feeling,looks,abandonment from peers,strangers,church goes.

July 2010- I became a single mother of 4 children. It was and still is a daily battle and each day dishes me a new adventure along with challenges that make me question who I am, why it all happen and now the path that lead me here today....as my missing blog chapters slowly unravel!

Deep breath,pause ... Xoxo

"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven. A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to reap that which is planted. A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to to mourn, and a time to dance. A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing. A time to get and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace." Ecclesiastes 3: 1

I don't even know where to begin. I have the urge throughout the day to sit at the computer and talk,vent,share and update my life with my blogger friends.
Then 4 precious kids tackle me,a single mom, with everything a 8,6,3,and 3 year old could. Which in turn gives me very little time for my blog/ journaling is how I want to refer to writing.
I downloaded this app for my iPhone so lets see how my first post goes.
As I sit here,just returning from Church,I am taken back by a lot of emotions,feelings,accomplishments,failures,let downs,change, sad, happy,depressed and overwhelmed thoughts that race my mind daily but a lot today.
I think I also have not written because my life has done a flip. A lot of change, personal growth within myself and with the Lord as well as finding out who people truly are;friends,family etc. and seeing outside my protective bubble I grew up only knowing and living one certain way of life and the rules of how to live it, follow it, or there are consequences within the family bubble.

Since Jon and I filed divorce, I emerged from the so called bubble and rules to obey as a cult type family of 58 I believe the count is up to.
I met people I never thought I would, experienced and still battling trials and tribulations always questions why? But laying it at the Lords feet and praying all heals for the best with the kids and I.
I will try and go back to the last big update post tonight and start from there. Sharing my 13 year marriage loss and reasons, me finding Leah for once, the dating life (which has changed a lot ) as a mom with 4 and 2 being black ( yes, sorry to say this day and age, men are very oddly weird with a blended family, it takes a special ONE to except them all equally).
Finding true love and happiness when I least expected or wanted it, and having a crazy year with this amazing man in mine and the kids life.. That just ended with a walk out the door.
To sum it up; I've changed,people have changed, the world, my heart and soul, my loves in life and passion. But I do believe people enter and exit our lives for a reason. Some great exciting overpowering filled with love hope future entry. As well as the exit of sad, let down hurt in question and wonder that leads myself to shut down the gates to my heart as its been hurt to the point that I don't know if it can be repaired??
Bottom line- this year has been amazing and also hard and sad.
As I write daily with past events keep in mind, as couture as ones life appears to be... Inside I scream for 5 minutes of no worries,love,happiness,peace with myself and others as well as personal strength, lessons to be learned and with no regrets just a sign that God is here and opening my eyes to "the real world" with tons of bumps turns dead ends and a small light down the tunnel that I hope to catch up to and grab- never letting go.
Life is too short for anger hate and regret. Life is about obstacles God gives us,how we choose to handle and react to them, and looking forward to the next day.. Wanting to live without the crash and burn of reality and pain.
More posts and this all will make more sense lol.
You must admit, you have missed my rambling, none stop gibber that keeps life very interesting.
Sit back, take a deep breath because Leah and Kids have had a interesting hard fun sad happy laughs tears and many more feelings this past year that would and does shock others that I am alive and normal (awww me normal, to a extent, let's say normal to Leah's world and personality lol)
Much love to my blogger friends for your support and hanging on with me while my challenges hit my door step like a ton of bricks trying to knock my house and life down. :)