I used to think there was light at the end of the tunnel, but for me today the light is on a locomotive headed right for me. (Quote by - Source Unknown)

What a long month, and it's not even half over.
Oregon has been good for the kids and I. The weather is cloudy,rainy,gets a little depressing but overall we really like it. Oregon is so much more clean and refreshing then Arizona.
Eugene is slow paced and everyone is very cumbersome.
I have always wished my mind worked like the people in my town. They go with the flow,at their own pace,time and deadlines mean nothing and IT WORKS!
The stress and worries that I have lives with my whole life; people here would not know what the busy city life,hustle and daily problems that are easily created and handed to you in AZ.
Do we create these dramas and extra stress upon ourselves?
Do we surround ourselves with others that weigh their issues on us creating our minds to want to fix them before ourselves,and all the problems in the world and our lives?
I sometimes have to wonder to myself; "am I actually crazy,insane or did I hit the nail on the head with people in society and how we handle the situations that God and Life hand us?" They all seem to change hourly huh? My life has done a 180 from last year. I am so so so NOT even close to the wife,friend,mother I was a year ago. Good? Bad? I guess these questions and more hopefully will revile and answer themselves for me.
When it's all said and done,I'll be honest, I'M LOST!
I'm lost with life, happiness, direction,love,and sad enough with the Lord :(
I'm praying maybe my open talking (rambling) and blog posts let's the confusion and cloudiness that fills my mind,heart and head let me express my feelings and maybe it help me heal. This year is about healing. The past year I went through HELL. Literally everything you can possible think could go wrong,happen,or not happen DID. I sometimes have to sit and cry at night under the stars and ask the Lord "why?" why me? Why all this? I understand trials and tribulations. I understand bad things happen to us and we move forward,learn and push on. I had so many numerous bad horrible things hit my life last year I couldn't even begin to explain. I learned but now have PTSD and lost everything. I lost love,my home,friends,sad to say my family and their trust, and I lost myself,I lost Leah. Now,I am trying to heal,not forget the past year but learn from it and hopefully get answers when it's all said and done.
I end this post with this: years ago I started this blog to track life and adoption,I still have A LOT going on with the 4 kids,but- besides posting about all that; I need to vent and post about this year and what is going on with and in my life now. My doctors think it will be therapeutic for me and educational for anyone that stumbles upon my blog.
I miss life,I miss smiling and wanting to be the mom and person I am to be. I am now having to start fresh and find myself on my journey to heal and survive.

She goes from one addiction to another. All are ways for her to not feel her feelings.~Ellen Burstyn

Where does tonight start? I feel like starting from the beginning but pause and want to start from now.. But this past year and a half has lead us here.
Awh- the mind after midnight.
I made a jump, a leap a step forward but back in the past in a few ways. I left Arizona. The kids and I decided to come and move back to where 1998 all started.. Oregon.
We have been back since January when their father Jon, returned from his tour in Afghanistan.
Since January a lot has changed and happened, I was going to change the blog title because my life is nothing couture, but then again who's is? And Its what makes my life is what is couture and that's friends and family.
The kids are doing amazing. I must post a video of Bryce laughing singing the ABC song with the ending chores included. Makenzie is back is ballet at the Academy and both Logan and Makenzie do this weird zen hippy karate class 2 nights a week, topping off her in choir(she sings deep and sounds like Addele. I will video if I can get around to that. Now the fun of just finding a home we love and now waiting for the moving trucks with our household cramped inside to unload. All next Friday yippy!! And hoping aunt Shawna sends Lady the dog this week we miss her dearly.
The 2 lil ones go to preschool and make the cutest paintings pictures and V-day bags were a hoot.
Hard to imagine how big they have gotten and Aslynn speaks like she is 20! Cracks me up.
Miss the boards, miss blogging and blogger friends, most of all I miss Ethiopia. The simplicity of life,friends,and family. I can't wait to go back, soon? Who knows what this year holds for me.
May God Always Walk Beside Me Through Life's Journeys even if they have turmoil with my trials and tribulations. In the end I'll see the "reason".