Oregon has been good for the kids and I. The weather is cloudy,rainy,gets a little depressing but overall we really like it. Oregon is so much more clean and refreshing then Arizona.
Eugene is slow paced and everyone is very cumbersome.
I have always wished my mind worked like the people in my town. They go with the flow,at their own pace,time and deadlines mean nothing and IT WORKS!
The stress and worries that I have lives with my whole life; people here would not know what the busy city life,hustle and daily problems that are easily created and handed to you in AZ.
Do we create these dramas and extra stress upon ourselves?
Do we surround ourselves with others that weigh their issues on us creating our minds to want to fix them before ourselves,and all the problems in the world and our lives?
I sometimes have to wonder to myself; "am I actually crazy,insane or did I hit the nail on the head with people in society and how we handle the situations that God and Life hand us?" They all seem to change hourly huh? My life has done a 180 from last year. I am so so so NOT even close to the wife,friend,mother I was a year ago. Good? Bad? I guess these questions and more hopefully will revile and answer themselves for me.
When it's all said and done,I'll be honest, I'M LOST!
I'm lost with life, happiness, direction,love,and sad enough with the Lord :(
I'm praying maybe my open talking (rambling) and blog posts let's the confusion and cloudiness that fills my mind,heart and head let me express my feelings and maybe it help me heal. This year is about healing. The past year I went through HELL. Literally everything you can possible think could go wrong,happen,or not happen DID. I sometimes have to sit and cry at night under the stars and ask the Lord "why?" why me? Why all this? I understand trials and tribulations. I understand bad things happen to us and we move forward,learn and push on. I had so many numerous bad horrible things hit my life last year I couldn't even begin to explain. I learned but now have PTSD and lost everything. I lost love,my home,friends,sad to say my family and their trust, and I lost myself,I lost Leah. Now,I am trying to heal,not forget the past year but learn from it and hopefully get answers when it's all said and done.
I end this post with this: years ago I started this blog to track life and adoption,I still have A LOT going on with the 4 kids,but- besides posting about all that; I need to vent and post about this year and what is going on with and in my life now. My doctors think it will be therapeutic for me and educational for anyone that stumbles upon my blog.
I miss life,I miss smiling and wanting to be the mom and person I am to be. I am now having to start fresh and find myself on my journey to heal and survive.
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