• When marriage has reached a crisis point, and one spouse has either moved out or is living in a separate room but the other wants desperately to save the marriage...so what happen to my marriage?I still ask myself,wonder,wish I knew the answer:(

I lay here as the sun goes down and with the laughter,loud talking of Aslynn's overpowering personality (wonder where she gets that from lol), asking Makenzie if she is a "princess", Logan playing Anger Birds(I don't understand that game,and I think it's a addiction problem,but a plus for me to as something to take away for behavior :) And of course my lil man Bryce saying "cracker,cracker" while snugged next to me as we snack and attempt to blog from my iPhone!

I will admit,confess,breakdown in tears most of the time at a drop of a time thinking of this past year.
How did it happen? Begin? And why, I wish I truly knew the answers, and maybe overtime I will answer my own questions that eat me daily.

I think meeting Jon at 18,leaving Arizona a few weeks later (yes crazy,no my 2 girls won't follow my high heels)
And trying to leave the bubble/snow globe that my large family created to protect me my whole life,was a rebellious act on my part. Soon to follow,marrying Jon a few months after my 19th birthday.
I will scream out loud NOW..no regrets! Everything I have gone through,dealt with,lived through,etc. Has made me who I am today. I am not the cookie cutter image on a magazine as a lot hope,wish,assume. I have the same problems,battles,issues as anyone else. Promise :)

Leaving my glass slippers (if you know me and my family) at the Arizona border changed my life good and I would use the word bad but let's say it taught me a lot.

I don't know if I ever blogged in the past about how I met Jon, where we went and how 13 years later,4 kids, 3 deployments,file for divorce, he is still my best friend. Despite all the ups and downs; he knows me, I know him inside and out.

After filing for divorce Jon decided to go back into the Army to finish his officer career and "escape" the drama. Don't we all wish we can pick up and just GO? Lol

I was home, alone-even with over 50 family members within a 5 mile ratios., I felt and still feel like a outcast. Nobody stopped by to see how the kids and I were, nobody called, I lost every single friend(atleast they posed as friends,some for 5 yrs some 15). The stigmatism that one gets when you separate from your spouse is a hard pill to swallow :(. You learn who is real,who is family, and judgement along with criticism starts.

I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy the feeling,looks,abandonment from peers,strangers,church goes.

July 2010- I became a single mother of 4 children. It was and still is a daily battle and each day dishes me a new adventure along with challenges that make me question who I am, why it all happen and now the path that lead me here today....as my missing blog chapters slowly unravel!

Deep breath,pause ... Xoxo

"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven. A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to reap that which is planted. A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to to mourn, and a time to dance. A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing. A time to get and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace." Ecclesiastes 3: 1

I don't even know where to begin. I have the urge throughout the day to sit at the computer and talk,vent,share and update my life with my blogger friends.
Then 4 precious kids tackle me,a single mom, with everything a 8,6,3,and 3 year old could. Which in turn gives me very little time for my blog/ journaling is how I want to refer to writing.
I downloaded this app for my iPhone so lets see how my first post goes.
As I sit here,just returning from Church,I am taken back by a lot of emotions,feelings,accomplishments,failures,let downs,change, sad, happy,depressed and overwhelmed thoughts that race my mind daily but a lot today.
I think I also have not written because my life has done a flip. A lot of change, personal growth within myself and with the Lord as well as finding out who people truly are;friends,family etc. and seeing outside my protective bubble I grew up only knowing and living one certain way of life and the rules of how to live it, follow it, or there are consequences within the family bubble.

Since Jon and I filed divorce, I emerged from the so called bubble and rules to obey as a cult type family of 58 I believe the count is up to.
I met people I never thought I would, experienced and still battling trials and tribulations always questions why? But laying it at the Lords feet and praying all heals for the best with the kids and I.
I will try and go back to the last big update post tonight and start from there. Sharing my 13 year marriage loss and reasons, me finding Leah for once, the dating life (which has changed a lot ) as a mom with 4 and 2 being black ( yes, sorry to say this day and age, men are very oddly weird with a blended family, it takes a special ONE to except them all equally).
Finding true love and happiness when I least expected or wanted it, and having a crazy year with this amazing man in mine and the kids life.. That just ended with a walk out the door.
To sum it up; I've changed,people have changed, the world, my heart and soul, my loves in life and passion. But I do believe people enter and exit our lives for a reason. Some great exciting overpowering filled with love hope future entry. As well as the exit of sad, let down hurt in question and wonder that leads myself to shut down the gates to my heart as its been hurt to the point that I don't know if it can be repaired??
Bottom line- this year has been amazing and also hard and sad.
As I write daily with past events keep in mind, as couture as ones life appears to be... Inside I scream for 5 minutes of no worries,love,happiness,peace with myself and others as well as personal strength, lessons to be learned and with no regrets just a sign that God is here and opening my eyes to "the real world" with tons of bumps turns dead ends and a small light down the tunnel that I hope to catch up to and grab- never letting go.
Life is too short for anger hate and regret. Life is about obstacles God gives us,how we choose to handle and react to them, and looking forward to the next day.. Wanting to live without the crash and burn of reality and pain.
More posts and this all will make more sense lol.
You must admit, you have missed my rambling, none stop gibber that keeps life very interesting.
Sit back, take a deep breath because Leah and Kids have had a interesting hard fun sad happy laughs tears and many more feelings this past year that would and does shock others that I am alive and normal (awww me normal, to a extent, let's say normal to Leah's world and personality lol)
Much love to my blogger friends for your support and hanging on with me while my challenges hit my door step like a ton of bricks trying to knock my house and life down. :)