The Weekend Flew By..

Sunday already..wow the week has flown by so fast, and has thrown me some obstacles to over come, and I am still trying to figure them out.

I saw this picture and it made me stop,think,and read again. We all have "junk." Good,bad,positive,negative. When things just seem to be falling apart, I need to think that hey, there is someone out there that has it worse, doesn't know Christ, and is in despair.

I think this past week was a huge stepping stone for the kids and I. Logan graduated preschool (which I will do a post with the pictures tonight),Makenzie finished the 2nd great, we got a new nanny that actually might work out and understand all I am going through, and what special needs Bryce has. That has been the problem with anyone that comes into the house. They see this cute, tiny boy that they just want to baby and cradle and don't know how hard I have worked these past 2 years to help him. I love Bryce with all my heart and soul, he is my gift from God, and my test I believe. The doctors told me he would not crawl, he crawls. They said he would not walk, he walks. They told me he wouldn't talk, he talks a little.

He is tiny, they say possible dwarfism,which when we adopted him, if you look back, we were told perfect health,normal,etc. I never thought that I would have or raise a disabled handicap child with a lot of mental,emotional,and physical issues. But I take it day by day and try and keep my smile on. People don't see it. People don't know him, or us as a family. I think I hide it in a way. Who wants to hear the negative? who wants to hear how hard your day was? Or that your son has hip problems,1 leg is 2 inch longer then the other and he wobbles,struggles in pain BUT is so brave and strong and wants to be "normal" like his brother and sister and keep up that my little man tries so hard. At the end of the day, nobody knows the time I take to give him massages, to work out his little arms and legs as he first whines and then smiles as they are relaxed finally after a day of play. Nobody sees the coma he goes into, the beating of the head, to eyes rolling back, the fists clenched at times over a noise or a drop of a dime. The time I take daily with Bryce is precious to me, to comfort him and get him working on motor skills,talking and trying when others gave up and don't see a bright light shinning on him like I do. I believe he will conquer the world! Do great things, shine, and prove so many wrong.

I wont forget the day I went to Ethiopia and Jon and I were there a few days trying to atleast get him to eat, open his eyes, move, and he was just a ball, nothing just motionless,barely breathing. When we questioned, got the embassy doctor, and the whole thing... we were told by the orphanage SORRY we made a mistake with his health, SORRY.. here..here is a healthy boy, our best, he is the age you stated (bryce is 3, but bone and dental now show him at around 6 or older).

As Jon and I watched the nurse take him out of my hands and walk aways, I knew NO NO NO.. thought hard and said, God gave me him, he was picked out for us for a reason. Please get him healthy for me to come back and get him and fly him home. They were shocked, told me he would die any day. I said, NO he wont, and if he dies, he will die in America with him Mom and Dad. We flew that week.. and a few months later went and got him.

All the doubts, all the shaking their heads, and the diseases, problems,medicine, ohhh the list could go on.. brings me to today.. Sunday 2011 and I have a son with YES problems, YES issues, but hey WE ALL have them in one form or another. No I did not think I would raise a child with disabilities for the rest of my life, that might always be in diapers, and not be able to express what he wants to but tries so hard he has tears. All I can do is love..love..love.. comfort and try to give all 4 my 100% attention equally. I guess, what I was starting to say, is that people just want to hand him things without him using his words, carry him,and baby him. Yeah it would be nice all the time, but he DOES like to do it himself and feel the joy and accomplishment when we cheer him on. Hey, when its a big deal to go down the stairs, walk to the kitchen table, climb in your chair and ask for a cup of milk! That is a huge deal in this house.. daily he amazes me to the core, and who knows, maybe God has something in store for him to share to the world one day?!

Back on a new nanny, I am trying Gloria. She speaks little English, which I LOVE! The kids and her go back and forth and they are picking Spanish words up just this past week. Bryce counted to 5 is Spanish.. AWW

Yes, they all fight and scream and want this or that or one wants to play outside and swim and the other ride bikes and there is only 1 of me, being a single parent. I have to sometimes close my eyes, think of a happy place from my past, and then focus, and calmly try to wrangle the craziness and work on a solution to please everyone.

I give a applause out to single mothers with kids. If you have 1 or 4, its work to play both roles. Something I am still trying to get use to. Its hard to be best friends, parent, police and discipline and at the same time give them the missing love they are not receiving from your partner anymore. Our lives have changed, and keep changing daily. I think one thing that was hard this week was Logan thinking Jon was dead. He kept telling me it over and over. I had to correct him and say NO he has to work and the Army sent him to Afghanistan. He just couldnt grasp WHY far away, WHY 400 days, WHY parents divorcing, and I think Jon not calling the kids,not writing,no contact with them (but with me he is 24/7 texting and emailing etc) I honestly think it is a 5 year olds head to maybe say "Ok dad is dead" to block out the pain and feelings that "hey why does he not contact me, call me, send me mail?" Breaks me as I look into my babies blue eyes with tears... I know he needs a man around, I know he needs a daddy, he is surrounded by girls. And Bryce not talking much and cant play with him,he paces most the day and repeats his actions. Logan is well Logan. :(

If I had the answers, I wouldn't be writing this huh? I think over time, if I can just hand it all over to God, lay it all at his feet, I KNOW the Lord will guide me as a mother to make the right choices in life and for the 5 of our futures. YES..I have messed up this past year, I have made bad choices, met the wrong friends, saw and still see how the real world is and that TRUST is HARD to FIND, even the "Christians" at church and school. BUT..its all LIFE and a LESSON to learn from and hopefully heal from,pick yourself up and keep going. How can I not? I have 4 little people that rely on me to care for them in ways nobody but ME can do.

I wake up and know I HAVE to get out of bed, even if sad and crying knowing what lies ahead till night. I sometimes cry in the car with my sunglasses covering the tears over the fighting and bickering and questioning myself as a mom and parent as well as a leader and a person in whole. Then...silence..the car ride is smooth, and I look in the mirror at the 4, smiles, and calm and happy..happy. and I know.. its the age, its the change, its the daily routine changing this week with school being out now, and just over all the challenges life throws our way. The quiet,calm car ride with 4 kids smiling and looking so innocent and like they have let the "bad and what we are going through fade" as we cruise down the street singing to music and just being US.. is PRICELESS.. No regrets, NO REGRETS! Even though I did not know I was going to be a single mom of 4 right now, I DONT REGRET a single moment, a single child, adoption,or choice I have made. I am who I am, I am who God made me, and mistakes can be repaired and choices can be learned from and move forward. Hard..working daily on that. :)

Have a Blessed Sunday, hug your kids, love your husband, call someone you have not talked to in a long time, and remember.. life is short, enjoy the little things, because one day.. those fingerprints on the wall will slowly fade and be gone and WOW.. time will pass and I will be in the car WISHING I heard someone fight over what movie to put on..or a cry over a fall in the yard.. it will be missed one day.. until then.. I WILL GO CRAZY NOW while they grow and change and see us as STILL A FAMILY..just minus one..