"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
OK I have been in a funk... so much emotion and confusion going on in my life, I would not even know where to begin. I will update when I get a chance to sit, breath deep and begin to write. Now I am praying a lot, putting a lot of trust in God that he leads me down the right road with decisions with the adoption that we have made. I guess all of a sudden it hit friends and family like a TON of bricks and I got LOADED with A LOT of negative feedback, disbelief that I was actually going through with it (even though, all you adoption families know the processes, its not overnight). People are questioning how the kids will react? The race issue? how will the kids be treated later? my 2 biological? and the 1 adoptive for not all being the same color? All these things Jon and I thought of but when you hear them from family and friends I guess they kinds stick in your head, stab your heart, and than question yourself, which is the WORST thing you can do. Besides what is going on with the adoption so much more in my life seems to be hitting at one time, the list could go on and on and if answers or some great Divine does not happen I am going to start questioning my faith, yes I said it out loud questioning my faith! Everyone does or has before, don't ever deny that you haven't. I'm just admitting and blogging about it.
I cant sleep, feel so lost and in a cloud and just alone in the whole situation. I wish I knew someone who has felt this, went through this, knew my answer of what to do, what road to take? I am standing at my crossroad and don't know what road is the right one to turn down. The tears can only flow for so long before I am dry inside.
"GOD please show me the way, I want to be able to have more children, I am NOT done and CANT physically have anymore, I DON'T know what to do at this point!" Court dates come out in October, we might be flying to get her in November. We already have her referral picture, she is precious, the baby room is done, and I am at a BLAH moment in my life on my direction.
Makenzie is in Kindergarten, Logan preschool, and me... well that's the question, what do I do? what do I love to do? Be a mom! I don't have "friends" that I hang out with, I think I saw my closet friend 2 times since March, sad I know, but my world is my 2 kids and Jon. AND now my crossroad.
I cant hear ANYMORE that God will point me, or give me a sign or I will just know, because IT'S NOT HAPPENING!
My heart is in pain and I have nobody that understand or will listen, really listen. Jon of course is 100% ready to fly now, but we both want what is best and people question this.
Pray for us, pray God gives us the light at the end of our tunnel as I am in the dark and really questioning myself right now.
7 comments:
The good news is that God has given you the answer - just follow your husband's lead and rest in the leadership that God has given him. I have been in agonizing positions and our awesome mentors encouraged me in this way and it was such a feeling of peace and relief to just surrender it to my husband.
`Once when neither of us were sure if and when we should have more kids, we committed to praying and fasting together every Sunday until we saw clearly God's direction for us (for about 1 month). We searched scripture and took notes and wrote down all of our fears/questions/others' comments and searched for scripture to answer them and wrote them down. It was awesome because a lot of the fears and negative comments are not biblical and this will make that clear.
Rejoice in the suffering - you will come through this stronger and more grounded in Christ. We just passed through suffering and I blogged about it.
Take care,
Joy
I think you have your answer already...your life is about YOUR family aka your kids and husband. If you want more children and want this baby, then that is what you should go forth with as long as God permitting and not be influenced by others. I feel that the only thing that will make children feel awkward or out of place is ignorant adults... no matter where they were birthed, by whom or what color.
YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME, I NEEDED TO HEAR SOMETHING FROM MY "ADOPTION WORLD" GLAD I FINALLY BROKE DOWN AND BLOGGED ABOUT IT. GOD BLESS YOU GUYS! XOXOX
Thanks so much! sometimes hard to collect my thoughts on everything, things have moved so fast and WOW Sept already here... reality hits hard! Glad to know you are out there reading, caring, thanks
My blog is set to private...if you would like an invite to view it send me an email at Brownsn@cox.net so you can get to see my blog and find out I'm not some wingnut :O) Hee, hee
Leah,
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I understand your internal struggles. I myself have questioned my faith and at one point even denied it (yep, I'll admit it). And when that happens, it just make things harder (emotionally). Obviously no one can give you the answer you are so desperately looking for (not us mere mortals anyway), so all I can say is that I'm thinking of you and praying for you. I know you will make the right decision. Keep your chin up, and don't ever be ashamed of your thoughts and feelings. They are ALL valid. It takes a strong person to actually pay attention to them and process them.
Joy's post is perfect. We all have struggles, this adoption process takes us through so many emotions. At the end you'll see how much God knew all along just what you needed, looking back on his provision, His plan, and living it out is absolutely amazing. Praying for you. Praying you find peace in this wait to get your daughter.
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