The Weekend Flew By..

Sunday already..wow the week has flown by so fast, and has thrown me some obstacles to over come, and I am still trying to figure them out.

I saw this picture and it made me stop,think,and read again. We all have "junk." Good,bad,positive,negative. When things just seem to be falling apart, I need to think that hey, there is someone out there that has it worse, doesn't know Christ, and is in despair.

I think this past week was a huge stepping stone for the kids and I. Logan graduated preschool (which I will do a post with the pictures tonight),Makenzie finished the 2nd great, we got a new nanny that actually might work out and understand all I am going through, and what special needs Bryce has. That has been the problem with anyone that comes into the house. They see this cute, tiny boy that they just want to baby and cradle and don't know how hard I have worked these past 2 years to help him. I love Bryce with all my heart and soul, he is my gift from God, and my test I believe. The doctors told me he would not crawl, he crawls. They said he would not walk, he walks. They told me he wouldn't talk, he talks a little.

He is tiny, they say possible dwarfism,which when we adopted him, if you look back, we were told perfect health,normal,etc. I never thought that I would have or raise a disabled handicap child with a lot of mental,emotional,and physical issues. But I take it day by day and try and keep my smile on. People don't see it. People don't know him, or us as a family. I think I hide it in a way. Who wants to hear the negative? who wants to hear how hard your day was? Or that your son has hip problems,1 leg is 2 inch longer then the other and he wobbles,struggles in pain BUT is so brave and strong and wants to be "normal" like his brother and sister and keep up that my little man tries so hard. At the end of the day, nobody knows the time I take to give him massages, to work out his little arms and legs as he first whines and then smiles as they are relaxed finally after a day of play. Nobody sees the coma he goes into, the beating of the head, to eyes rolling back, the fists clenched at times over a noise or a drop of a dime. The time I take daily with Bryce is precious to me, to comfort him and get him working on motor skills,talking and trying when others gave up and don't see a bright light shinning on him like I do. I believe he will conquer the world! Do great things, shine, and prove so many wrong.

I wont forget the day I went to Ethiopia and Jon and I were there a few days trying to atleast get him to eat, open his eyes, move, and he was just a ball, nothing just motionless,barely breathing. When we questioned, got the embassy doctor, and the whole thing... we were told by the orphanage SORRY we made a mistake with his health, SORRY.. here..here is a healthy boy, our best, he is the age you stated (bryce is 3, but bone and dental now show him at around 6 or older).

As Jon and I watched the nurse take him out of my hands and walk aways, I knew NO NO NO.. thought hard and said, God gave me him, he was picked out for us for a reason. Please get him healthy for me to come back and get him and fly him home. They were shocked, told me he would die any day. I said, NO he wont, and if he dies, he will die in America with him Mom and Dad. We flew that week.. and a few months later went and got him.

All the doubts, all the shaking their heads, and the diseases, problems,medicine, ohhh the list could go on.. brings me to today.. Sunday 2011 and I have a son with YES problems, YES issues, but hey WE ALL have them in one form or another. No I did not think I would raise a child with disabilities for the rest of my life, that might always be in diapers, and not be able to express what he wants to but tries so hard he has tears. All I can do is love..love..love.. comfort and try to give all 4 my 100% attention equally. I guess, what I was starting to say, is that people just want to hand him things without him using his words, carry him,and baby him. Yeah it would be nice all the time, but he DOES like to do it himself and feel the joy and accomplishment when we cheer him on. Hey, when its a big deal to go down the stairs, walk to the kitchen table, climb in your chair and ask for a cup of milk! That is a huge deal in this house.. daily he amazes me to the core, and who knows, maybe God has something in store for him to share to the world one day?!

Back on a new nanny, I am trying Gloria. She speaks little English, which I LOVE! The kids and her go back and forth and they are picking Spanish words up just this past week. Bryce counted to 5 is Spanish.. AWW

Yes, they all fight and scream and want this or that or one wants to play outside and swim and the other ride bikes and there is only 1 of me, being a single parent. I have to sometimes close my eyes, think of a happy place from my past, and then focus, and calmly try to wrangle the craziness and work on a solution to please everyone.

I give a applause out to single mothers with kids. If you have 1 or 4, its work to play both roles. Something I am still trying to get use to. Its hard to be best friends, parent, police and discipline and at the same time give them the missing love they are not receiving from your partner anymore. Our lives have changed, and keep changing daily. I think one thing that was hard this week was Logan thinking Jon was dead. He kept telling me it over and over. I had to correct him and say NO he has to work and the Army sent him to Afghanistan. He just couldnt grasp WHY far away, WHY 400 days, WHY parents divorcing, and I think Jon not calling the kids,not writing,no contact with them (but with me he is 24/7 texting and emailing etc) I honestly think it is a 5 year olds head to maybe say "Ok dad is dead" to block out the pain and feelings that "hey why does he not contact me, call me, send me mail?" Breaks me as I look into my babies blue eyes with tears... I know he needs a man around, I know he needs a daddy, he is surrounded by girls. And Bryce not talking much and cant play with him,he paces most the day and repeats his actions. Logan is well Logan. :(

If I had the answers, I wouldn't be writing this huh? I think over time, if I can just hand it all over to God, lay it all at his feet, I KNOW the Lord will guide me as a mother to make the right choices in life and for the 5 of our futures. YES..I have messed up this past year, I have made bad choices, met the wrong friends, saw and still see how the real world is and that TRUST is HARD to FIND, even the "Christians" at church and school. BUT..its all LIFE and a LESSON to learn from and hopefully heal from,pick yourself up and keep going. How can I not? I have 4 little people that rely on me to care for them in ways nobody but ME can do.

I wake up and know I HAVE to get out of bed, even if sad and crying knowing what lies ahead till night. I sometimes cry in the car with my sunglasses covering the tears over the fighting and bickering and questioning myself as a mom and parent as well as a leader and a person in whole. Then...silence..the car ride is smooth, and I look in the mirror at the 4, smiles, and calm and happy..happy. and I know.. its the age, its the change, its the daily routine changing this week with school being out now, and just over all the challenges life throws our way. The quiet,calm car ride with 4 kids smiling and looking so innocent and like they have let the "bad and what we are going through fade" as we cruise down the street singing to music and just being US.. is PRICELESS.. No regrets, NO REGRETS! Even though I did not know I was going to be a single mom of 4 right now, I DONT REGRET a single moment, a single child, adoption,or choice I have made. I am who I am, I am who God made me, and mistakes can be repaired and choices can be learned from and move forward. Hard..working daily on that. :)

Have a Blessed Sunday, hug your kids, love your husband, call someone you have not talked to in a long time, and remember.. life is short, enjoy the little things, because one day.. those fingerprints on the wall will slowly fade and be gone and WOW.. time will pass and I will be in the car WISHING I heard someone fight over what movie to put on..or a cry over a fall in the yard.. it will be missed one day.. until then.. I WILL GO CRAZY NOW while they grow and change and see us as STILL A FAMILY..just minus one..

Back to the Blog again..

"I Believe everything happens for a reason.

People change so you can learn to let go."

Where do I even begin? I will admit that I sit down from day to day and stare at the computer screen with THIS blog on in and draw a blank. Not really knowing where to start,what to say,or how to even explain this past year. Tonight,a few things happened that made me pause,think,and flip back to my original blog. Where it all happen,began,and hopefully wont end. I started a few other blogs,but it just was not the same. I could not refer back to the day this or that happened and flip to the picture or quote. I know YES..It is ME and the KIDS..and YES..the past is still posted to go back to,BUT I have to keep moving on and see where my "Road less traveled" takes me.

I have learned in this past year so much,I could scream and scream so loud that WOW there is life,pain,feelings,real people,experience,heartache,growing,life lessons,challenges,tears,laughs,cries all on the flip side of letting go of 1 thing so important in your life for the past 13 years, and seeing a whole other world. Maybe a world that was always there/here but HE blocked me from it,protected me,always had me turn the other way? I am beginning to see this and think this as the year has flown by since Jon and I separated and filed divorce.

Aww...yes I said it out loud..ha ha..

I don't know what the future holds for the kids and I. I do know that I left,lost and let go of my best friend,and soulmate for the past 13 years last summer. Hardest thing I have ever had to do and live with daily. But.when I get a email or text from Afghanistan,he went back into the Army,and he expresses how happy he is,how he gets to finish what he started, and just that he knows that this journey had to turn back down that "road" to have him be complete. Now,we will see where my "road" takes me. As this past year,its been a crazy bumpy wild ride and I have learned so much about the world and myself that I have to take a deep breath,and try and take life as it comes day by day. Easier said then done.

Instead of sticking this blog up on the shelf to get dusty and ignored and avoided. I thought, I dont want to start a new one,because this is ME and my PAST and hopefully journal my future as God lays the bricks in front of me as I walk beside him.

Friday night,my 4 bugs in bed,and I on the MAC once again..every tomorrow holds a new test of faith,a new lesson to learn and experience. Laugh,cry and try to pick yourself up and keep going. I can only pray that at the end of my road,there is a answer..shinning bright and I see it soon so I can run and chase after it!

AND THEN THERE WERE 5......

December Already

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary-wise; what it is it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?” – Alice (in Wonderland)

It dawned on my on the 30th at about 1145pm that it was going to be December in a day. Time stood still for a moment, and I have to close my eyes,pray and wonder HOW I got through this past year? As I sat there crying and wondering God's "test" his promises,and my commitments to my family and my Lord, I had to look back at all this year has physically and mentally done to me and my kids.

After opening my eyes, I felt a warm feeling that I KNOW that I am HERE at this point in my life to LEARN about the world,people,love,loss,and most of all MYSELF.

I feel like 2010 has been a test of faith,like I am the modern day Jobe. And I don't know if I passed,if I will pass,what my score is so far, because...well I am not ready to pass the test and finish. I feel like there is SO MUCH more to learn from these last few years. I am debating starting a new blog, or just keep writing on this one, I know things have changed, we all have changed, and I want to update everyone and scream it out to the world...its not bad, its not negative,its a fresh start for us all...the beginning to something that could turn into something AMAZING!

Have a blessed weekend..and hug your kids and love your life!

Couture or not Couture, that is the question?!

"And This Too Shall Pass.."

Gosh, I dont even know where to begin since the last time i wrote or even updated my blog, so I will have to just briefly say that for now, I wont be writing, I might start up a new blog, starting my new life, a fresh beginning, and see where that leads. And if I do, I will post the link on here.

I have so much to share, so much to talk about, feeling, and emotions, but I just don't seem to be able to sit down for one moment, take a deep breath and write. We all get in these moods right?

Right now I focus on the kids, how great the 4 are, how they are growing, developing, the milestones each one takes daily, weekly, monthly, and I have to sometimes take a moment and close my eyes and just thank the Lord that through the bad... I have good, my 4 beaming shinning stars.. they guide my dark nights.. my endless tunnel and soon, I will hit the right path that does not have so many turns, dead ends, and bumps.. and I can finally smile again.. I need to smile again inside and out.

Much love.. and hope to post a new blog address soon. In the meantime here are a few updated pictures of us and the kids.

xoxo

Leah and Kids

Christmas Recital

Dance as though no one is watching you,Love as though you have never been hurt before,Sing as though no one can hear you,Live as though heaven is on earth.-Souza
We loaded everyone up and headed to Makenzie's Christmas recital.It was a nice show and Logan sat so well through the whole thing with eyes wide open at all the dancers and the 1 boy dancer ha! The babies did not last long as the theatre was dark and they are chatty,so the good daddy Jon is,took them outside to play and stroll around for the whole show until I texted him to pop in fast when Makenzie's group was on stage! It all worked out and was a good Saturday outing for the whole family! Makenzie did a great job,she is a true dancer and enjoys the stage and the team work everyone puts into the show. Now that we moved I need to put her into a dance studio out here..another thing on my "to do list"...gosh the list keeps getting longer and longer...giggle giggle!

Makenzie Gets An Award

Leadership is the special quality which enables people to stand up and pull the rest of us over the horizon. -James L. Fisher

December 2009, Joy School presented Makenzie with the Leadership Award that they give out one time a year for the whole school K-12. She was super proud as we were also. I am always stopped by teachers or people telling me that she is a "adult woman" in a child's body. I must laugh as Makenzie is my best friend,we can talk and talk and hang out and she can shop and hands down out last you the whole day being dragged around stores :) She has a kind heart and others see this. She tells people about her sister and brother from Africa,how yes she has gone through a lot,she is still proud and happy she opened her heart and life for them. It amazes me what comes out of her mouth,where does she get this stuff from?She will say prayer at dinner and talk about a Bible story that relates to the day,she will randomly come up and thank you for the life she has or that we brought 2 orphans into a Christan home and are now a part of our loving family. She boosts you up when you are down,gives you a hug when you least expect and you know you needed one deep inside.Makenzie can feel your heart speak and knows what you need and how to push you to do it.She amazes me daily,gets me up and going when times are rough,and it just makes me feel like OK I can DO IT and I have the drive! I will never forget when she was born in 2003,Jon left 2 days later for Iraq for a year. I was left in Italy,alone and with this new baby.I had no clue what to do,but love and nurture her.We grew so close and bonded,like nothing I have ever felt before.She is special in the sense,we only had each other at certain times in life,Iraq,Afghanistan,etc and we knew what we needed from each other. Makenzie will do amazing things in life,her love for others,God,changing peoples hearts and minds,letting others see past "color" and that people are people.I never knew then what I know now about bringing the babies into our lives,how YES we get comments,bad looks,loss of friends,or people unsure to play with the older kids because of the younger...but in the end,I know my bio kids see that color blocks people and they will stand up and have to face so many challenges and beat the odds and know well OK move on,we at least have family and that is what matters the most.Love,God,Peace and what lies ahead for Makenzie to change the world,I cant wait...I can see so many amazing places she will travel,change hearts and souls.She has a spirit about her that you can feel a mile away and you know she is a Leader,a trusted friend and loved daughter,sister,and best friend. May God always lead her to be the best she can be,to not let the world or "things" cloud her mind and her ability to go forward with her dreams be achieved,may she see past the bad in the world and people and never let anyone put a road block in her way...I pray all my children will be great examples of Gods good work and leaders for the world and future.Blessings xoxo

Logan's First Christmas Show

"Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly

Merry Christmas."-Peg Bracken

Mr. Logan Cole had his first preschool show up on stage. His cousin Mirage is in the same class but on Tues and Thurs so they were on stage together. It was too cute and at first he was doing great up there,and than looked and looked around for us in the huge audience that was jammed packed in the church and could not spot us.So he got nervous,stopped singing and wanted off the stage..poor little man! The teacher was sweet and took him off and Jon ran and got him.He enjoyed the rest of the show with us watching,and after munched on cookies and snacks with his classmates.

Thanksgiving 2009

Thanksgiving,after all,is a word of action"-W.J. Cameron

Thanksgiving was a first for both Aslynn and Bryce. Jon and I flew to get Aslynn right after Thanksgiving 2008,and of course Bryce coming in 2009 at the end of summer. We spend the week moving closer to family and private school..yippee a short drive! We love the new house,I was not planning on bigger,but we fell in love with this one and had to grab it. Crazy of us to move over the holiday, and right before Christmas,it did not hit us until after the fact,ha ha..but it worked out and we spend Thanksgiving at my Uncles home eating and enjoying family.It was nice and of course we found out Bryce loves mashed potatoes and gravy!

November Family Pictures

Call it a Clan,Call it a network,call it a tribe,call it a family.Whatever you call it,whoever you are,you need one. -Jane Howard

November 2009 We got together with my sister and brother and got our families pictures taken. It actually went well for the first official family picture for our Christmas cards and updates of the kids of us getting photos done, and the kids hung in there waiting for turns and enjoying being with their cousins. It seems like every year my fathers frames get changed out with a update of "grand kids"as we keep growing! We took a ton of pictures,so these are just a "few" of my favorites!